


The Love We Deserve

by cactusoctupus



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, M/M, VictUuri, a lot of jealousy on both sides, break ups, canon AU, canon AU 5 years later, established relationships - Freeform, friendship! yuriyuu, one sided yuriyuu, victor kind of cheating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-05
Updated: 2017-02-28
Packaged: 2018-09-12 09:38:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9066148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cactusoctupus/pseuds/cactusoctupus
Summary: One day Victor is asking Yuuri to marry him and then later he is kissing another man. So Yuuri moves himself from their apartment and sets up camp in Yurio's living room.Yurio, who has become the skating star of Russia. Yurio, who has never grown out of his childhood crush.





	1. Breaking Point

Yakov gave Yuuri a chance to teach one of the classes. The teacher had an accident in the bathroom so Yuuri had been chosen to take one of the slots. He wants to be a teacher and he wants to be a coach so it was an exciting opportunity. If he does well, maybe he would be able to actually get to do more.

But the day before that Victor had gotten sick. And it was Yuuri's duty as the boyfriend in the house to look after him. Yuuri put a mask on and everything. He even put on gloves when he touched him. And maybe that was the thing that provoked Victor.

Victor was sick and miserable. And he was extra clingy as a result, holding onto Yuuri like a clam to a rock. His sweat and other fluids dissolving into Yuuri's shirt. When Yuuri tried to move away, Victor struggled. Staring at his gloved hands with dismay.  
"Don't you care about me?"  
"Of course I care about you. I just have an important thing tomorrow"  
Victor pulled him in.  
"Yuuri" he said, sniffling, "take care of me."  
Yuuri took his mask and gloves off and held him. His nose in his hair.  
"I am taking care of you."

He did not have a successful next day. The moment he woke up, he felt his mouth tearing up with pain and a god awful headache. He threw up in the middle of class, leaving the kids unattended. And a kid happened to fall during that time, making a big mess when the kid told his mom that Yuuri wasn't there when the accident happened. He wouldn't be teaching any time soon.

❄❄❄

"Yuuri?" said Victor.  
Yuuri was in their kitchen with Victor, who was offering him a ring, his arm stretched over their dinner table. They were having home cooked dinner in their home for their third year anniversary of living together. He looked down at the ring. It was a perfect ring. A clear round diamond with a white gold band. It was beautiful.  
He took deep breaths, but despite his efforts, his vision was blurring. And he felt sick to his stomach.  
"Yuuri?"  
He ran to the bathroom.

"Are you okay?" said Victor.  
They were in bed, Yuuri held Victor around his waist. His face in his chest. The smell so familiar and comforting.  
"I'm sorry" said Yuuri.  
"It's okay" he said, "I can wait. We'll wait."  
But Yuuri still felt terrible. He slipped his hand inside Victor's boxers trying to release some tension when he felt Victor take his wrist. Victor looked so tired it made him ache.  
"Let's just sleep okay?"

❄❄❄

"Dunno it seems like bad timing on your part" said Yurio.  
They were at the cafeteria.  
"Sorry I can't marry you. So how about a handjob eh?"  
Yuuri laughed bitterly. He had come used to talking to Yurio. He was intimidating at first but once you got to know him he was quite affectionate and generous.  
Victor and Mila came toward them, wanting to share their table.

"Hey fuck off!" Yurio barked, pointing at them with a plastic fork. He managed to make it look menacing.  
"Not everyone shits gold and farts diamonds, get out of here!"  
Victor and Mila edged away, confused. Victor and Mila both came from rich families. It was something that Yurio and Yuuri used a lot to their advantage.

"Maybe it's time I just said yes. It's been five years..." said Yuuri.  
"You don't have to like marriage just because he likes marriage. Make him wait." said Yurio getting started on his chocolate mousse.  
"What's the big deal anyway? It's all just legal bullshit."  
Yuuri nodded, feeling a little better.  
"So, what do you want for your twenty-first birthday?  
"A gold." said Yurio, licking the spoon forcefully.

 

The World Championship took place in Luxemburg. Yurio had done great, as predicted. But he seemed down in the dumps when he was with Yuuri. Saying that he wasn't doing as well as he could have.

"I feel like I could have done better" he said, "I think I'm stuck."  
He wore a sad expression. It freaked him out when Yurio did that. He looked too mature for his age. As though he was already at his peak and he was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"You were shitting gold today! What the hell's the matter with you?" said Yuuri. Yurio just shrugged. Yuuri put a hand on his shoulder.  
"You were amazing" he said, squeezing. Yurio just shrugged again.

Yurio's birthday party was in full swing. They were at a fancy bar, wearing suits. The music was great and the birthday cake was magnificent. It probably cost as much as his suit. Everyone was there, even Seung gil and JJ.

"Otabek!" called Phichit.  
Otabek silently raised a hand across the room. Yurio glared and Otabek looked the other way. Phichit and Yuuri shared a look.  
"More champagne please" called Yuuri.  
Yuuri tried not to get too comfortable. He didn't want to black out again and cause a scene, even if the atmosphere was getting kind of stuffy. Yurio just sat looking grumpy. And he watched as Mila groped a nervous looking guy. The only people who were having "fun" were Mickey, Seung gil and JJ who were having a fight over who was the most light weight. The party kind of blew.  
He felt a light pressure on his shoulder. He turned around to see Victor. He had a relaxed, drunken smile on his face.  
"Let's go Yuuri" he said.  
Yuuri smiled back, people booed as they left together.

They walked to the hotel, the houses around them quaint and peaceful. The pebbled streets knobbly against his shoes as Victor spun them round in his playful mood. Victor pulled him in under the street lamp and pressed his nose against his neck.  
"You look good today" said Victor.  
"You look good always" Yuuri said back.  
Victor stepped back and looked him over again, smiling slow.  
"Let's get married Yuuri"  
"Victor..."  
Victor pulled at him again squeezing him tight, hand on Yuuri's face. Yuuri pushed at his chest.  
"We should get back to the hotel. You look knocked out."  
Victor dropped his hand, his smile fading.  
"What's the problem?" said Victor, "I just don't understand. What am I doing wrong?"  
"You haven't done anything wrong"  
"Then what the hell is wrong?"  
Yuuri felt like someone was squeezing his insides.  
"I'm just scared" he said, "I just need more time."  
"That's what you said the last time. And the last last time." said Victor.  
Victor put his hand over his chest and breathed.  
"How long do you need now? Another year? Six months?"  
Yuuri just stood breathing, his hand in his hair.  
"I think I just..." he swallowed a lump in his throat. "I don't think we need to get married."  
"I do"  
"Why?"  
"Because nothing is going to change if we don't" said Victor.  
Yuuri sighed.  
"We're already living together. That's not going to change for a long time"  
"You live in my apartment. It's not the same."  
Victor took his hand.  
"Yuuri" he said, Yuuri matched his eyes with great effort.  
"I want our own house. Somewhere new. Somewhere where we can make our own lives. Together."  
Yuuri looked down again. And soon Victor dropped his hand.

"If this is going nowhere you have to tell me" said Victor.  
His face hard now. Yuuri shuffled his feet, unable to look up. The silence stretched until Victor sighed and said,  
"I'm not good at getting rejected"  
"I'm not rejecting you"  
"Yes you are" said Victor. "At least that's what it feels like."

❄❄❄

The flight back to Russia was miserable. The whole flight Yuuri and Victor didn't talk. He could hear Mila and Yurio messing around a couple of seats away and all he wanted to do was run to them. He would have too if doing it wouldn't have made him feel guilty. He had to prove he wasn't rejecting Victor.

Back at home Victor wouldn't have sex with him. Yuuri made the moves every night and morning only to be pushed away or rejected. He wondered if this was some kind of revenge and wondered how long he would need to be punished. And it wasn't just that. They were spending their time mostly in silence. Yuuri talked to Victor and Victor replied in very concise english.

When this went on for more than a week, Yuuri started to get scared. They had never not talked like this. And it was now nearing two weeks since they came back from Luxemburg. He needed to confront Victor.

He decided this on the ice after practice. He was usually at the university in the day but he always came back to practise here. Even after he quit the competitions Yuuri was religious with his practise. It was something that he will always need in his life.

Victor and Yurio had already gone to change and it was getting late. He had held himself back because he couldn't bear changing next to Victor in silence again.

He checked the changing rooms to find a couple of people talking there. No Victor. And then he went to the outdoor area with the vending machines and that's when he saw it.

Victor kissing someone else. He had light brown hair, light green eyes. He was quite new here. His name was Alexei something.

It was brief, but he definitely saw their mouths separating. And then they continued their conversation, laughing and blushing while Yuuri stood frozen behind the glass doors.

It was Alexei who noticed him first, as he was the one facing Yuuri. Yuuri turned as soon as he snapped out of his frozen misery. Running away even harder when Victor called out to him.

It was so cheap and cliche he almost couldn't bear the hilarity of it.

Their shoes squeaked on the corridor as they ran. He heard Victor calling him, his breath painfully short. He felt his own legs burn with exertion. Victor jumped on him and they both fell on the ground. Yuuri turned round and Victor surrounded him. Bending over him like a human bridge. His face distraught.

"Yuuri" he said.

He hadn't even realised that he was crying until Victor wiped them with his hand.  
"Get off me" he said.  
"Yuuri-"  
"get off!"

They both stood up. He was glad he couldn't see Alexei. He wouldn't know what to do if he was here. They were both breathing harshly, it filled the silence for a while. Yuuri looked at the floor while Victor looked at him, searching.

"Yuuri I'm so sorry..."  
It felt disgustingly cheap. Sorry was cheap. Yuuri just breathed, feeling his anger uncoiling in his belly.  
"Yuuri please look at me"  
He did.  
"I'm going to be at Yurio's" he said.  
"What?" said Victor. His voice snapping like a whip.  
"That's your answer to this? You're going to Yurio's?"  
"I don't want to talk right now" he said.  
"You always do this" said Victor. His face was red with anger. It was weird because wasn't that supposed to be Yuuri?  
"You run away. You run to the rink, you run to Japan. And you run to Yurio every chance you get-"  
"I do not run to Yurio every chance I get!" said Yuuri finding his voice again, "and I'm not the one kissing other people!"  
Victor wiped his face.  
"It was a mistake. I'm sorry. It's just been hard to..."  
"So I'm not allowed to talk to Yurio, a friend. But you're allowed to kiss complete strangers when it gets hard?"  
"No. You should be talking to me. You never talk to me, you run away from me."  
Yuuri gritted his teeth. Why was Victor talking back at him? Shouldn't he be begging on his knees by now?

"Is this about the marriage?"  
"What?"  
"The kiss. Is that about me saying no to marrying you? Because if it is, that's not the way to convince me."  
"I'm not trying to convince you. It's impossible for me to convince you."  
"So you're trying to break me again? So you get some kind of reaction? You're coaching me into marriage."  
"Maybe" said Victor.

The admittance hurt more than expected.  
"Well, I don't need it. I'm not doing this."  
"What do you mean you're not doing this?"  
"I'm saying I've had enough. I can't do this anymore."  
Victor stared dumbly at him. His face red, his eyes wide. And then-  
"Alright" said Victor. All the fight seemed to go out of him. He wouldn't even look at him.  
"Okay..."  
And then Yuuri realized.  
He had finally done it. He had broken Victor.

❄❄❄

Yurio was used to losing people. First of all he lost his parents when he was five. They said it was temporary when they went away but they never really cared about him much after when things got better so he counts that as a loss.  
Then he lost his grandfather last year, while he was in competition so he couldn't be there to even hold his hand as he died. It was sudden and he's still recovering from it. He feels like he will be recovering from it for a long time.  
And not long after that he lost his boyfriend, who for all he knows is the love of his life. Not that they had much time together to figure it out.

He was actually doing fine with Otabek, even after that fiasco of a funeral. They were both in Russia, practising together at the same rink, going to competitions together. They were together all the time. It wasn't until his injuries came to light that the shit had hit the fan.

Skaters injured themselves all the time. But at the age of twenty, Yurio had already reached the place where he was constantly in pain. He jumped high and did the impossible. He pushed and practiced hard and when he recovered he did so aggressively. Using painful methods like surgery, PRP injections. You name it, he did it.

He was on his bed in his hospital room. The doctor had explained to him that he should rest from skating for at least eight months. Otabek was there, silently supporting.  
"I guess you're going to have an easier time getting to the podium so you should enjoy that" said Yurio.  
Otabek smiled.  
"You're going to be okay" said Otabek. His hand over his.

Despite how they might seem as individuals they were usually pretty sappy together. But right then that's not what Yurio needed.  
"I know it's going to be okay" he snapped, taking his hand away and tucking it underneath his other arm as if to hide it.

There was a tense silence. Otabek took his hand off the bed, despite the way he had rejected the touch he felt sad to see it go.

"You're doing it again" said Otabek.  
"What?"  
"You're pushing me away. Like you did at the funeral."

Yurio had a choice. He could say just apologize and cry. Otabek would hold him and it would be over in minutes. Or he could draw this out, make it insufferable.

"Why are you talking about that again? Are you trying to make me lose my shit?"  
"I think we should talk about it."  
"Who the fuck are you to talk to me about anything?"

He felt his throat thicken with anger. He was on a role now. His lips twitched into a familiar sneer.  
"You think because I fuck you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you or something?"  
He could tell Otabek was hurt. It was something he had learnt to see over time.  
"So what am I then?"  
"Geez, I don't know. My fucking prince in shining armour? Don't make me lose my respect for you."

Yurio looked away. Wanting to just let it be. He cracked his neck to the side to avoid his gaze.  
"You're such a coward."  
His head whipped back.  
"What?" he said, half laughing.  
"You're leaving me, so I can't leave you. You're a coward."  
"When did I say I was leaving you? Are you fucking crazy?"  
"I'm leaving for Kazakhstan tomorrow. This is how you want to leave it?"  
Yurio rolled his eyes.  
"Do your best. Shit gold. Whatever."  
Yurio looked to the side again. Hoping he would really just leave now. But when he heard Otabek stand up from his chair, his bag swinging to the side, Yurio was so shocked he almost jumped.  
"I'll call you" he said.  
And then he left.

❄❄❄

"Well, he said he wanted to be your friend because you had the eyes of a soldier. He's weird."  
"He's a piece of shit that's what he is"  
"Is this okay?"  
"Huh?"  
"The bandage" said Yuuri. Tying the bandage again with a knot.

When Yuuri came to visit, Yurio's first reaction was to whine about how tight the bandage was and how it was going to kill his feet because his doctor was dumb as shit.

"Yeah, that's good. What are you studying again?"  
"You have to avoid putting pressure on it for at least a month. I think that's what the nurse said. I better get the wheelchair."  
"What? A wheelchair? Fucking hell, how am I going to shit? In the fucking cubicle, where am I gonna put it?"  
"You should ask someone to help you when you have to shower. If you slip, this could be all for nothing"  
"Holy fuck! Can't I buy a handle or something?"  
"The bandage is looking kind of dirty though. Maybe I should ask for a new one."  
"Oi!" said Yurio. "Answer the fucking questions I ask dipshit!"

 

And so Yurio healed. And Yurio watched as Otabek stood on podiums and made new records. He watched while stuffing his face with potato chips in his bed, his feet up in the air.  
Otabek called for weeks. Yurio didn't pick up. And after a while, it was natural that they didn't talk.


	2. Collision

Ever since Yurio became the new Victor Nikiforov he had been very careful with his money and fame. Like he was walking on thin ice. Like everything would go back to the old days again if he so much as slipped. He had bought quite a pricey flat and some designer clothes but other than that he was a cheapskate. Yurio was frightened by his own fortune. After all, anything that went up was bound to crash someday.

So when he saw Yuuri with a carrier at his door that night with that look on his face, his first reaction was fear.  
"Why are you here?"  
"Can I stay here? Just till I can find a new place."  
Yurio leaned against his door.  
"What happened?"  
"We broke up" said Yuuri, with a little shrug.

Yurio wordlessly let him in. Yuuri dumped his ass on his sofa bed in his living room/kitchen.  
"I'll get you a duvet"  
Yuuri nodded wordlessly, he looked like a zombie. Pale and unfocused.  
Yurio sat next to him.  
"Do you want to talk?"  
Yuuri shook his head.  
"Right..."  
The TV was on, and the sofa was laden with crisps, his socks, his game console and a few of his DVDs. Yurio picked them up, looking back at Yuuri a few times as he did so. He was about to put the TV off when Yuuri stopped him.  
"Leave it on."  
Yurio put the remote back down. Sitting on the other side with his things gathered up in his chest. He pushed them under the sofa bed. His whole flat was a raging mess anyway. He heard his cat scratching at his stuff under the bed. He sighed. 

It wasn't the first time Yuuri had been in his flat after Victor and him had a fight. But it was the first time they had broken up. Yuuri usually started bitching the moment he was at his door. But now he was silent. And he looked spooked.  
"Can I have that duvet now?"  
Yurio stood up so fast his knees cracked.

Yuuri wouldn't get up in the morning. He was there with the TV off, with his back turned. He wouldn't eat breakfast with him. He felt bad going to the rink, it felt like he had abandoned his friend. But he was curious about Victor's reaction. 

Victor wasn't there when he arrived at the rink. Yakov was ringing him up, yelling at him.  
"Yura is already here! He's practising... Fine!"  
Yakove turned to him.  
"He says he's sick, we're going to have to practise without him."  
Yurio nodded. 

It was funny how both of them turned up at the rink in the evening. Right at the same time. They regarded each other at opposite sides of the rink. Yuuri with Yurio and Victor with Alexei.  
"He kissed him" said Yuuri.  
"What?"  
"He kissed Alexei. That's why we broke up."  
Yurio stared open mouthed. Fury rose up in him. And a sick sense of satisfaction that he hurriedly buried deep inside. It rose up and threatened to engulf him.  
"You should do something" he said.  
"Like what?"  
"Break his neck that's fucking what"  
"Which one?"  
"Well Victor's my coach so maybe the other one."  
Yuuri smiled. That sick feeling was back again. Back with an intensity that shook him.  
Yuuri's face was pale. He looked fragile, like he could break at the tiniest of shock.  
He watched Victor and Alexei with him. It looked like they were just acquaintances, they kept a certain distance but then Alexei would look over to Victor. And it was frequent enough that it was noticeable.  
"What do you think will happen when everybody finds out?" said Yuuri.  
"Finds out what?"  
It was Mila. The Yuris were silent.  
"What is it~?" said Mila, poking a rather glum Yuuri.  
"Yuuri and Victor aren't together anymore" said Yurio.  
"What?" said Mila.  
Yuuri looked at Yurio, horrified. Yurio just shrugged.  
"What the hell? What the hell happened?"  
"Victor cheated on him"  
"He didn't cheat on me!" said Yuuri, a little too loudly.  
Mila's eyebrows were so high up her forehead it was almost comical. Thankfully it didn't seem like anyone else was paying attention. She motioned them both towards the exit. The two Yuris and Mila went out of the rink, and towards the outside where the vending machines were. Which was ironically where the unforgivable had happened.  
"Can't we talk somewhere else?" said Yuuri.  
"Where else is there?" said Yurio.  
"Shall we go outside, outside?" said Mila.  
Yuuri nodded. 

Mila had a restaurant in mind. It was a new one, apparently vegetarian. The only reason it got word of mouth was because of its' ridiculously over the top interior. Which made it seem like it was overcompensating for the fact you couldn't eat meat but at least it was something. Yurio stared at the flowers, the lights and the ornaments and the many many cushions.  
"Did Ikea explode in here? What the fuck?"  
"Isn't it nice?" said Mila, "here Yuuri, have a cushion."  
Yuuri wordlessly accepted. They looked at the menu and ordered burgers and salads. They didn't have to wait long to have the food. Yuuri kept shifting through his salad to avoid conversation.  
Yakov rang him up, Yurio ignored him.  
"So Victor kissed Alexei" said Yurio, wanting to get this over with as soon as possible.  
Mila laughed. "Alexei? Oh my god! He is such a fanboy! He has Victor's poster on his locker do you know?"  
Yuuri froze.  
"I was the fanboy" said Yuuri softly.  
Mila waved a hand.  
"It's different. It's totally different." said Mila. "Victor can be callous sometimes, he was probably just using the kid. I mean, how old is he? Like, twenty five? Four? Twelve?"  
"How do you know he was just using him?" said Yurio.  
Mila looked at him pointedly.  
"Victor was..." she faltered, looking at Yuuri, "look, I don't know much about relationships but... it seemed like..."  
Yurio glared, it was a testament of Mila's strength that she wasn't breaking out into a sweat.  
"Like... Yuuri was having commitment issues" she finished.  
"Me? Commitment issues?" said Yuuri, "he's the one who kissed someone else!"  
"Yeah" said Mila, "I know."  
She took a deep breath.  
"But these things take two you know?"  
He could see the change in Yuuri.  
"How would you know that? You don't know the things Victor did or the things I did, all you've seen is Victor complaining!"  
There was an uncomfortable silence. Yuuri was fuming, his grip on his fork tight with anger.  
"You guys are really broken up?" said Mila.  
Yuuri shrugged.  
"I guess we did. Can we leave it alone now? Are we done?" said Yuuri.  
"You shouldn't drag things around. If it's done, make it that it's done. Give yourselves a clean break" said Mila.  
Yurio gave Mila a look, which was swiftly ignored.  
"What exactly is it that you have against me?" said Yuuri.  
People were starting to stare.  
"Nothing. I'm not against you" she said, truly flustered.  
"I just... I know you guys suffered... That's all." said Mila, looking at Yurio. Yurio turned his head.  
"I mean it was great at first but it seemed like you guys were really suffering, especially as of late. And you guys did seem..." she struggled, "kind of stuck. And it was getting pretty miserable for you both."  
Yuuri slammed his hands down on the table. Both Yurio and Mila jumped.  
"I wasn't miserable! And I didn't make Victor miserable either!" said Yuuri. It was pathetic, there were tears on his shirt.  
Yuuri left, standing up and dragging the chair with the grace of a bear in a china shop.  
There was a rather relieved silence at his absence.  
"I'm not paying for that salad" said Yurio.

Yuuri cried a lot for the next few days. Yurio could hear him crying in the toilet, in the living room at night and sometimes even right in front of him. It was the most pathetic thing he had ever seen. It got on his nerves so much it made him want to peal off his skin.  
"Look Yurio, it's toothpaste" Yuuri once said, suddenly coming up to him from the bathroom in the middle of brushing his teeth with a haunted expression. Indeed, in his hand was a tube of toothpaste.  
"Victor came to me after we used up our first tube" he said, half sobbing. "He said, look Yuuri! We used up our first tube of toothpaste!" And he broke down, his mouth still white with foam. 

Yurio did not appreciate these moments. It was not something he needed to know and it made him nervous because he had no idea what would set Yuuri off. He'd cry at random moments. Even while cleaning he would cry, Yuuri had agreed to do most of the household chores while living here and that was the only reason Yurio tolerated his moping. Yurio couldn't clean to save his life and he appreciated how everything looked so organised and clean. He had no idea how much of a difference it made to his general mood in the house. But then he would see Yuuri moping again and it made him feel even worse. 

More days passed and Yuuri was still having his little fit. And Yurio was coming closer and closer to his limit. 

They were washing the dishes. Yurio had a dishwasher but Yuuri preferred to do it in the sink by hand. So Yurio was next to him, drying with a clean towel (which he hadn't done in practically years.) Yurio was in a good mood, having to cook and eat in your own home was something that felt like a stabling ritual. When he was alone he had never really cooked. 

Then suddenly Yuuri put down the plate he was scrubbing and he grasped the edge of the sink with his gloved hands. He could see droplets of tears dissolving into the bubbles. It was amazing how fast he had begun to cry.  
"What is it?" Yurio asked cautiously.  
"Nothing it's just..."  
"If it's because of Victor again I swear to god" he growled.  
"He used come up from behind me while I was at the sink" said Yuuri, almost talking to himself, his head stuck in memory lane. The sobbing intensified.  
"That's why I liked to do the washing up."  
Yurio threw the plate he was drying onto the floor. It shattered with a noisy sound.  
Yuuri was shocked out of his misery.  
"Yurio..."  
"I swear to god I'm going to kill you" he said, his voice low.  
The silence was tense.  
"I'm sorry" Yuuri whispered.  
"And stop crying" said Yurio, voice sharp and icy.  
Yuuri nodded.  
They started to clear up the broken pieces. Carefully stacking them on a bigger plate.  
"You know Victor isn't like that" said Yurio, "the Victor you talk about isn't the Victor I know."  
Yurio breathed, "So shut up about him it's freaking me out. For fuck's sake I have to train with him tomorrow" he said.  
"Right" said Yuuri, "I'm sorry."  
He picked up a rather vicious looking piece of the shattered clay.  
"In reality he's like this" he said. Yuuri stilled, he looked like he was convinced that Yurio was going to stab him.  
"You're the one who was there when he kissed another guy."  
"Right."  
"He's a motherfucker. Don't forget that."

❄❄❄

It was a clear, sunny day when Yuuri was chosen to be Nikola Voronkov's coach. He was thirteen years old and one of the juniors that trained here. He was quiet and even though he was very good with his steps he flubbed his jumps. 

"When I saw him I knew" said Yakov, "that you were the only one for him!"  
Nikola's parents were nice people, they were fascinated with Nikola's love for skating and didn't pressure him too much like a lot of skating parents. And because Yuuri wasn't an experienced coach he was cheap, which was good. Because Nikola hadn't won a medal yet and you could only got support when you were within certain ranks. 

"I'm counting on you to make a miracle Yuuri" said Yakov.  
Yuuri gave a strained laugh but he was also extremely excited. Nikola seemed perfect for him. 

Although it would be nice if Nikola would say something. Perhaps respond to anything that Yuuri said to him. Even after several days of awkwardness, they couldn't break the ice.  
"Hello Nikola!" he would say, then Nikola would turn his head away. 

Then Yuuri would awkwardly wait in the rink for Nikola to come on the ice. Yuuri was good with kids. And he had some experience in teaching them ice skating. But Nikola was extremely hard to reach. He would do as instructed quite well but wouldn't really make eye contact so he never really knew if his instructions got through. Yuuri was careful to erase any bad habits Nikola had as a skater but whenever he pointed out the things he was doing wrong, Nikola would keep his head down, nodding like a rag doll. 

And because of Nikola, he had forgotten why he avoided spending too much time here. That's why it was such a surprise for him when he was caught alone with Alexei in the changing room. Usually, he avoided Alexei like the plague but he had sent Nikola home early so that he could skate off some tension. And because they worked in the same place, it was hard not to see him.

He was about to hurry out of the changing room when Alexei started talking on his phone. He pretty much understood most russian now and he couldn't help but over hear.  
"Yeah I'll be out in a minute, do you want something?" said Alexei.  
And then he laughed.  
"Those cookies are going to rot your teeth. Maybe get the ones with the apple?" he said.  
He knew what cookies he was talking about. Victor had them in jars all the time. They were his favorite.  
Was Alexei going home to Victor? 

He was shocked out of his misery when he heard his bag land with a thump next to him. He tried to reach for it but he felt woozy. He squatted on the ground, feeling sick.  
"Katsudon!"  
He turned around to see Yurio with Victor. He felt something like relief flood through him. He had been trying so hard not to care.  
"Yuuri!"  
He realised he was crying. Thick, hot tears coming down his face. He missed Victor so much the pain burned his chest and throat. He covered his face with his hands and tried hard to force down the humiliating hiccups that was attempting to pop out. 

He heard feet hitting the floor and then felt someone's arms around him.  
"Go away, I got this!" he heard Yurio saying.  
"It's okay I got it!"  
Yurio's frame engulfed him and the protecting just added to the humiliation. Yuuri stood up. Pushing off the arms. He frowned at the blurry Victor and determinedly walked past him and when his vision cleared, he ran. 

❄❄❄ 

It wasn't the sight of Yuuri crying that shocked Victor. What shocked him was Yurio's expression. He had never seen him look so vulnerable. And he had held Yuuri like he was the most important thing, like he was something more. And even the possibility of that made his stomach turn. 

Yurio picked up Yuuri's bag.  
"Geez, pathetic little fucker. Can you even believe what just happened? That fucking fat ass needs a therapist."  
"Stop it" said Victor.  
Yurio stopped.  
"Okay..." he eventually said.  
Yurio walked past Victor towards the exit.  
"It's one thing to be the next me. It's another to copy my life" said Victor. Yurio stopped cold.  
"Stop pining after my ex. Stop living my life. Get your own life."  
Yurio looked back and stared at the back of Victor's head.  
"I'm not pining after anything. And don't try to tell me what to do, it's better off that you don't."

❄❄❄

Yurio was so into his head he didn't notice Yuuri waiting beside his car. Making him scream like some murder victim when Yuuri opened the car door after he turned the key.  
"Holy shit what the-!"  
"Sorry, sorry."  
It was dark and there was only about five cars in the whole parking lot. Yurio put Yuuri's bag in the back seat and they both got in at the front.  
"Geesh. You scared the crap out of me" said Yurio, pressing on the breaks.  
They were silent as they got out of the car park. Yurio looked over at Yuuri.  
"Nikola still isn't talking to me" said Yuuri.  
"He's not?"  
"Yeah. At first, I thought he was just nervous but maybe it's something more, I don't know."  
"What? Like he's retarded?"  
"I don't know. Don't use that word."  
They stopped at a light.  
"Maybe his parents are crap" said Yurio.  
"Maybe. But they seemed okay to me."  
Yurio grunted.  
"But then everyone's a little weird" said Yuuri.  
"Kids are all weird."  
Yuuri laughed dryly.  
"You'd know right?"  
"What?"  
"You were the weirdest. Actually you still are."  
"I was awesome. Certainly beat your ass."  
He laughed. "Don't remind me" said Yuuri smiling.  
Yurio found himself smiling too. The light turned green and it started to rain, just a little. He found the noise comforting and when it got stronger he started to get the wiper going.  
"Do you think you'll ever get over him?"  
Yuuri didn't answer. 

❄❄❄

Yuuri couldn't sleep after that night. He kept thinking about Alexei and Victor. What kind of relationship did they have? Because people at the rink were starting to talk about them. They already knew Victor and him had broken up. And then Victor was really starting to cosy up to Alexei. 

After that night he saw them eat together in the cafeteria. Just the two of them. The atmosphere was tense as Mila and Yurio tried and failed to distract him with conversation. Well mostly just Mila, Yurio just stared at them all. 

This time, he couldn't sleep until 4am. And by then he was already thinking about what counter actions he would need to take if Alexei and Victor got married. He found himself searching for other skating rinks and when the morning came, tickets to Japan. 

His bag of potato chips crunched as he hugged it. 

❄❄❄

He was exhausted by the time he was teaching Nikola. He couldn't snap out of his tiredness until the kid had tripped over his own feet.  
Yuuri rushed to him, and looked over at his skates and realized it was too loose. Yuuri pulled him up.  
"Come here Nikola"  
Yuuri pulled him off the rink and sat him down on the benches. He took off Nikola's skates and put them on again.  
"You should always spend time making sure the skates aren't loose."  
"I know" said Nikola, "I know how to tie them. My feet hurt today."  
Yuuri nodded.  
"So you know how to talk huh?"  
Nikola blushed.  
"You never noticed me."  
"What?"  
"You taught me before... but you never noticed me."  
Yuuri blinked, his mouth open.  
"Well there are a lot of you... and you don't really stand out unless you're really loud" he said.  
Nikola nodded.  
"Were you angry that I didn't recognize you?"  
Nikola shrugged, "not really."  
Yuuri laughed.  
"What is it?" asked Nikola.  
"No, it's just... you remind me of someone."

❄❄❄

Nikola wasn't unfriendly, he was just quiet and had a hard time speaking up. After that conversation, they had a good time. They even had lunch together, Yuuri bought him a burger outside. 

When they came back to the rink, Victor and Alexei were also on the rink. They were practising, watching each other as they did their jumps. 

Yuuri tried to focus on the task at hand, teaching Nikola. There was no need to pay attention to them. So he steered them to the opposite side, and by the time he was at the rink, he felt marginally okay. 

"I've seen you in competitions" said Nikola.  
"Yeah?"  
"Yeah, in videos. You're good."  
Yuuri laughed, "thanks."  
"Can you show me something?" asked Nikola.  
"You want to see something?"  
"Yeah"  
Yuuri glided around Nikola, drawing a circle around the boy.  
"Can you do a quadruple flip?"  
Yuuri froze. Unintentionally, he looked over at Victor, who was coincidentally, holding onto Alexei as he laughed.  
"Sure" said Yuuri.  
Yuuri glided across the ice, building momentum. He could see Victor more clearly now, in his mind's eye, five years ago back at the cup of China where they kissed on the ice. 

He jumped, and maybe it was the tiredness or maybe it was because he was out of shape he didn't know, but he knew that he had done something wrong...  
He spun out of balance, and he fell. He felt a sharp pain in his head and then everything went dark.


	3. Fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for those of you that left kudos and comments! They really motivate me! I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter but whatever I'm posting it!  
> Also I changed Nikola's age to 13 because I did some research on skating and you have to be at least 13 to enter junior comps.  
> Wow I really don't know much about skating I sure hope you guys don't either bcos I'm going to get a lot of things confused.

Yuuri never really held on to his miraculous winning streak. The winning streak that had brought him the win at the Olympics in Pyeongchang. Keeping his first place at the top with the "Olympic Gold Champion" title around his neck, wore him down heavily. The attention he garnered from the media, especially from Japan added to the stress. He felt like if he messed up, everyone would turn their back on him. He didn't want to disappoint anyone. Including Victor, especially Victor. Who never failed to mention how proud of him he was.

 

Until of course, he was forced to quit because of his injuries.

 

Nikola kept playing videos of champion Yuuri on the internet while he sat by his hospital bed. It brought back memories of glory he would rather forget. He wanted Nikola to leave but the kid was worried about him and he knew that-that was Yuuri's own fault.

 

"Can I see your gold medal from the Olympics sometime? I just want to see what it looks like" said Nikola, his eyes glued to his phone.

Yuuri nodded.

"Sure" he said.

 

His head was bandaged and he was wearing a hospital gown. The cut in his head was superficial and the CT showed no sign of any bleeding or abnormalities. He would stay for two days for observation and if nothing came up, he would be discharged.

 

The door opened to reveal Yurio, who was unusually quiet. He shut the door gently behind him and it took one look at Yuuri in the hospital gown and the bandages to set him off.

"Why do you do this to yourself?"

Nikola turned down the volume on his phone. Sensing he was about to witness live entertainment.

"It was an accident" shrugged Yuuri, "I bumped my head."

"No you fell. On purpose. Like you did last time"

"What part of accident do you not understand?"

Yurio crossed his arms.

"You think Victor's worth risking your life? You think it's not pathetic that you're throwing away your life for what? A guy?"

"I was tired, I miscalculated..."

"VICTOR'S NOT WORTH YOUR LIFE!"

Yuuri closed his eyes, Nikola put his phone down.

"You're the one who sat on the road. And do I give you shit about that?"

Yurio's eyes were wide, unbelieving.

"People who sit on roads don't get to judge me."

Yurio turned and opened the door. Yuuri winced when the door slammed behind him.

"Wow. What is he like your boyfriend?" commented Nikola.

"No, he's not my boyfriend."

Yuuri missed silent Nikola.

Not long after he could hear Yurio shouting again. Which probably meant Victor was here now. Yuuri blocked his ears with his hands.

 

"Why are you here?"

Victor was holding a bag of something, his hair was messy and he looked at Yurio with tired eyes.

"You're the reason he's in there, you know that right?"

Victor ran his hand through his hair.

"I don't have the energy Yuri, please."

"WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE HIM SO PATHETIC?"

Victor sighed and ran a gloved hand across his forehead. Yurio was breathing heavily.

"And what are you doing now? Trying to console him with groceries? What are you doing? What are doing with that fucking Alexei shit? What the fuck!"

"Yurio,-"

"HE'S KILLING HIMSELF FOR YOU!"

There was a deadly silence.

"I know you think I'm just a stupid kid-"

"I don't think that-"

"Yes you do! Shut the hell up."

People were talking around them. A kid even had his phone out.

"Stop making a mess. You're a big celebrity if you haven't noticed" said Victor.

Yurio's face was pale as he tried to breath normally. Victor pushed past him.

"Go get some rest. Don't unravel completely before the Nationals."

 

"Hey" said Victor as he came into his room.

He was smiling, it looked like it was a struggle. Despite everything, Yuuri couldn't help admiring how good he looked. It felt like it had been long since he had really admired Victor.

Victor put down his plastic bag on Yuuri's bed table and pulled out a box containing little bottles of juice. It was the ones Yuuri loved to buy for them and his heart ached when he looked at them.

"So he's your boyfriend?" said Nikola.

Victor smiled, "Nikola could you excuse us for a sec? I think Yuuri would appreciate some time alone."

Nikola nodded and walked out of the room.

"He's still not alone if you're here. But whatever" Nikola muttered as he left.

"He's quite the chatty one" said Victor.

Yuuri smiled, "like you wouldn't believe."

Victor sat down on Nikola's seat and opened a bottle of juice for him. Yuuri took it gratefully.

"Are you okay? You're not in pain?"

"Yeah I'm good. The doctor says-"

"I know what the doctor said."

Yuuri nearly choked on his juice. He put the juice down on his table in shock, Victor was crying. He had his arms crossed on his bed and lay his head down on them. Yuuri could see the top of his head. He reached out to touch it but then he realised that he couldn't anymore.

Victor sat up again.

"I talked to a doctor"

"Yeah?"

"She's a therapist. I talked to her about you"

"You have a therapist?

"No, she's for you."

"What? What-"

"I should have done this sooner. The last time you injured yourself. I realize that now."

Yuuri felt sick. His hands shook, he felt like he could explode.

"But I was selfish. I was afraid that if you tried to resolve things, you would cast me aside. Because I was part of the problem. But I guess I was also trying to avoid things-"

Yuuri threw the juice across the room. He felt like he couldn't breathe. He gasped as tears blurred his vision. _How could he? How could he? How could he? How could he?_

"Yuuri?"

Yuuri clasped the sheets. He really couldn't breathe, he felt like he was strangling himself from the inside.

"Yuuri, Calm down" he felt Victor's hand on his back.

"Nurse? Anyone? I need help in here!" he called.

He felt a sickening wave of coldness roll down from his head to his toes.

Victor lay him down.

"Yuuri breathe, people are coming."

Yuuri grabbed onto Victor's shirt with clammy hands.

"Yuuri look at me"

He did. Victor looked scared, but he didn't look quite as surprised as he was. And that calmed him. He made a choking noise as he pushed air out of his chest. He heard people rushing inside his room.

"He's having a panic attack" explained Victor.

The doctor took out a syringe and inserted the needle into his IV.

Victor held him, stroking Yuuri's hair with his other hand.

 

 

Yurio lay on his sofa bed with his cat. He scrolled through instagram without really seeing the contents. He started to look at Otabek's again and he found himself texting him.

He wondered what he wanted to text but he found no words.

"..." he sent.

He turned the screen off and turned his head away. And after a few minutes of agonizing patience, there was a reply.

"...?" it read.

"Piece of shit" he muttered.

He had a habit of thinking about Otabek when he was sad. And these days he was thinking about Otabek constantly. And when he did, he sent messages like this one. Reaching out without really reaching out.

There was another ding as a message appeared on the screen.

"Do you want to talk?" it read.

He felt a sense of relief as warmth touched him. He gathered Yuuri's pillow towards himself, it smelt like him.

"No" he typed.

He smothered his face into the pillow.

"I don't need you" he muttered to the pillow, "I don't need anyone."

 

 

His therapist was Nina Ivanov, a brown haired woman. She was half Japanese. She spent her first nine years of her life in Japan. She wore a woolly cream jumper and jeans, she looked like she was in her late thirties. Maybe even early forties.

"So, I heard that you were having a hard time sleeping, is that right?" she said.

"I don't need therapy" said Yuuri, "I didn't fall on purpose it was a mistake. I would really like to just be left alone."

"Well, according to your boyfriend-"

"Victor is lying. And he's not my boyfriend."

"Right" she said, nodding slowly, "but he seems to care about you a whole lot!"

Yuuri sighed.

"You seem really nice and I'm glad I can talk in Japanese with you but-"

"Then just talk. Just talk about things and I'll give you drugs that can make you sleep. How about that?"

Yuuri gritted his teeth.

"Therapy doesn't have to be a big thing. It's not a big thing, at all. It's just talking" she said.

"It's still therapy."

"I won't ever make you talk about things you don't want to talk about how about that?" she said. She tapped her clipboard with her manicured nails.

"Therapy isn't some kind of interrogation. Like I said, we just talk. You are entitled to your privacy. You don't have to bear your soul to me Yuuri. I'm just a stranger, a professional. You tell me what you need to tell me, nothing more."

"It's all professional" said Yuuri.

She nodded.

"And you can make me sleep?"

She nodded again, smiling.

"And I don't need to tell anyone about this?"

"Not at all. And I don't tell anyone either. On my honour." she said, putting her hand on her chest.

Yuuri nodded.

"Right..."

 

The rest of his hospital stay remained uneventful. Yakov came with Lilia and she scrutinized him with a sharp gaze.

"It's surprising" she said, "that you injured yourself again while doing the quadruple flip."

Her sharp eyes roamed his form and Yuuri found himself wishing they would leave as soon as possible. At least they came with a very good fruit basket.

 

 

When he went back home to Yurio, he wouldn't even look at him. Yuuri felt sad the whole time they ate dinner in the kitchen. Yurio had made soup for them and he felt guilty just taking a sip.

"Yurio, please talk to me..." said Yuuri.

Yurio refused to talk even while he did the washing up. Leaving Yuuri to sit at the kitchen table, guilt festering.

 

Yuuri was really starting to regret not looking for his own place. He had partly forgotten and partly wanted to have someone around while he was going through his break up so that he wouldn't completely break down.

Which he had failed to do spectacularly.

 

He also couldn't stop thinking about Victor. In a way that made him uncomfortable because he had no room of his own where he could lock the door.

The thought that he couldn't have Victor made things more exciting. It made him want him more and the memories he frequently visited felt a thousand times more stronger in its' potency.

 

He was glad he had the pills to put him to sleep. His therapist said that it wasn't a strong chemical but it knocked him out. He sometimes woke up with muscle pain because he positioned himself wrong and he was so knocked out he couldn't fix himself. But he felt refreshed in the mornings and he started running again. Which made his whole day much better.

 

And he had Nikola to think about. Who will be having his first nationals soon. And he was shaping up to be quite a competition. Mila whistled when he jumped his triple salchow. Nikola blushed and stumbled as she glided towards them.

"That was great. You guys make a great team huh?"

"It was in his blood. He just needed a little push."

Victor was walking at the edge of the rink with Yurio. Both of them silent as they put on their skates.

Mila nudged him with an elbow.

"Hello creepy staring man" she whispered into his ear, "why don't you just kneel down and-"

Yuuri pushed her, she laughed.

"Kneel down and pray to your God" she said, she glided toward him again and said into his ear, "your God Victor."

Yuuri tried to put his hand over her mouth. They pushed and pulled, bumping into each other.

"God you are so obvious!" shrieked Mila.

Yuuri's face was red as he pushed at her. She spun around, her arms spread and face dramatic.

"God please fuck me!" she moaned out loud, "oh God, I need you!"

"Stop it!" he yelled, skating towards her. People were starting to stare and he was beginning to laugh.

"I need your d-" he smothered her face with his hands, Mila shrieked in delight.

"Mila!" yelled Yakov. His face red with anger. "Stop fooling around!"

Mila laughed wickedly.

"Mila!" called Victor, "I need you to help Yuri."

"Okay~"

Mila turned and glided backwards towards them.

"God is calling me" she said, winking at him. Yuuri fumed.

She pointed at her crotch as she left, mouthing dirty things at him.

Yuuri turned sharply to Nikola who was staring with a noticeable blush on his face.

"You keep turning too early, that's why you tilt" he barked, pointing at Nikola.

"Keep your focus, you're not focused!" Nikola just stood there.

"Go do it again!" snapped Yuuri.

Nikola rolled his eyes as he skated away.

 

 

"Nikola is going to do well I think. He is a lot better than he thinks he is." said Yuuri.

Nina nodded.

"Do you think he'll get nervous?"

"Probably. But that's to be expected. Do you have any tips?"

"Tips?"

"Yeah, tips on how to be less nervous."

"Well I've always found writing down your feelings helped. But I've never been in competitions. You must have ways of your own. You're the one who has had to deal with tremendous amount of pressure."

"I wouldn't say tremendous amount..."

"Really? You were an olympic champion being coached by your ex-champion lover. Are you telling me that wasn't intense?"

"But I dealt with it. I dealt with it until..."

"Until you had your injury."

"It wasn't so much of an injury as it was... those injuries were always there it-it went overboard one day."

"Until you had your major injury, right in front of those cameras."

"No! I'm saying. It was just time for me to go. I was twenty eight!"

Nina nodded. Yuuri sighed.

"Can I have my prescription now?

 

Yurio was in a daze the whole time training. Alexei on the other hand was the angel on the ice as he flew across the rink.

"Yurio, snap out of it!" called Yakov.

Right, snap out of it.

He had been like this the last time too. When Yuuri injured himself in competition and he couldn't skate anymore. And now that feeling was back, it felt like he was going to lose. He was going to lose everything.

The last time he had Otabek to pick him and up now he didn't have anyone.

Yakov clapped his hands.

"Nationals are tomorrow everyone. You all get some rest."

 

Yurio was still not talking to him. Yuuri would have badgered Yurio about it at any other time but he had Nikola to think about. Whose parents had just called saying the boy wouldn't leave the house.

"Yurio can I use your car? Nikola won't come out of the house!"

"What?"

"Nikola! He won't leave!"

"Let's go then, I'll drive!"

 

They rushed like they had never rushed before. Even ignoring red lights as they hurried to get to Nikola's house.

"Fuck I'm going to be late!" said Yurio.

"That's why I said I should be the one driving!" growled Yuuri.

Yurio huffed but didn't say anything.

"It's that one!" said Yuuri.

They parked in front of a small wooden house that was painted green. It had a nice garden with flowers and vegetables.

They rang the doorbell. Mr and Mrs Voronkov was there.

"It's Yuri Piletsky!" said Mrs Voronkov.

"And Yuuri Katsuki!" said Yuuri, "where's Nikola?"

She pointed to the ceiling.

 

Nikola was dressed and also in bed. Yuuri sat on the edge of the bed. Yurio and Nikola's parents were at the door, watching them.

"Nikola, get up, you have skating!"

There was no reaction.

"Nikola! You have nationals!"

Nikola just stared at him. His brown eyes dull.

"I can't do it. I know I can't."

"Nikola..."

Yuuri struggled. What could he do now? What was he supposed to do? Not even he had been like this.

"Wow what a loser" said Yurio.

Nikola sat up. Nikola had never been able to talk to Yuri. Yuri Piletsky the legend, Skating God in human form. He was transfixed, his face red.

"Of course a loser like you would breed something like that. Come on Pig let's go, I'm going to be late."

"Yuuri's not a loser!" said Nikola.

"Is that why you can't get up? Losers breed losers. He's failed you. And now you're failing him."

Nikola jumped up from the bed.

"That's not true!"

He grabbed his bag.

"See I got up! I can do it!"

 

Yuuri held Nikola's hand throughout the car ride. Yurio drove like a maniac.

"Are you nervous?"

Nikola nodded.

"Yeah."

"I was going to get up you know" he said, blushing.

Yuuri smiled, "I knew you were."

 

They were late for practise. Yurio left to go see Victor. The juniors were on before the seniors and Nikola was shaking in his costume.

"Nikola..." said Yuuri.

Yuuri stooped down to his height and put his hands on his shoulders.

"You can do this. Do just as you usually do."

Nikola nodded, his mind elsewhere.

"Nikola" said Yuuri, "Nikola look at me."

Nikola did.

"Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. But you're always going to be skating. So just do what you've always done."

Nikola nodded, breathing. His chest moving up and down.

"All you had to do was show up. That's all I wanted from you" confessed Yuuri.

Nikola blinked. Yuuri pulled him into a hug.

"I'm glad you showed up."

Nikola blinked away his tears.

"Will you tie my skates?" he said.

"Sure."

 

Yuuri watched as Nikola danced on the ice. In front of all these people and the cameras. He knew that Nikola must be shaking in his skates. He had given him a big smile as he looked back at him. A lump formed in his chest as he watched Nikola succeed his triple axel. It was so perfect, it made the crowd cry out in awe. Nikola was extraordinary. And the world was here to see it.

 

He wondered how everyone could have missed it. Even he had missed it, even though it was right in front of him.

Like he had misread all things that was great in his life.

 

 

* * *

 

Yurio was half the skater that he was that day. The last season had been fine. Just fine. The problem was that it wasn't great. When he was on the ice, he felt limited.

 

He wasn't even surprised when he barely kept his number one spot for his short program. Alexei was dangerously close behind and others were starting to take notice of him.

 

It tired him out, the thought that he would have to keep this on in the free skates. He dragged himself over to reporters, answering questions he had answered before. And then dragged himself back to the changing rooms.

 

Yurio couldn't take off his skates. He argued with Yakov and Victor, ending the day with a bitter taste in his mouth. They just took more and more of his energy. They were draining him. Draining him until there was nothing left.

 

"Yurio!" called Yuuri.

Yuuri's eyes were shining.

"Yurio! Nikola did so well! Did you see him he was..." Yuuri faltered.

"Are you okay? Yurio?"

He tapped on the bench with his fingers. Yuuri held his hand. Yurio snatched his hand away, glaring.

He gritted his teeth. His jaw made a cracking sound.

"Do you think that I need you? I'm not Nikola. I don't need you to hold my hand."

Yuuri took his hand away, placing them over his own knees.

"Why are you even here now? Victor not with you anymore. You almost killed yourself for him and now what? Where is he now?"

Yuuri opened and closed his mouth.

"He doesn't want to be with you anymore. Because you pull people down. You pull everyone down. Victor was fine before you showed up. _I_ was fine before you showed up."

"I'm sorry" Yuuri said.

"Are you here to do my laundry? Do you think that makes me need you? What are you even doing here?"

Yurio packed up his bag and stood up.

"For god's sakes, it's getting really pathetic."

Yurio walked out, Yuuri swallowed the lump in his throat. His mouth was open in a gasp and he couldn't really process what had happened.

Yurio was just being Yurio. Yurio was a cruel man.

Yuuri stood up, he had to go home... Where was home?

He walked out of the changing room like a zombie when he felt a hand grab his elbow.

"Yuuri?"

It was Alexei. He looked anxious as he looked into Yuuri's eyes.

"I have to talk to you, can I talk to you?"

"I'm sorry, I really can't do this right now..."

Alexei held on tighter.

"Just for minute. I need to tell you something."

 


	4. Crash

Alexei took Yuuri outside, the place with the vending machines. And just for that Yuuri had wanted to run. He was really beginning to hate the place.

They watched people leave with their friends and family in the carpark. They stood together in silence side by side.

"I feel like you don't see me" said Alexei.

"What?"

"I see you but you don't see me. That's why you behave like you do."

"Again... I don't really know what you're talking about."

He almost wanted to laugh. This guy was policing his behaviour? What the hell.

"You act like nothing's changed."

"What?"

"He's sleeping with me. Just so you know."

"What? Why..."

"Because he's not with you. He's sleeping with me"

Alexei looked at him.

"I hope you're not so disillusioned that you need a picture or something."

 

 

 

He felt his breath go in and out of him as he leaned against the lockers. He had his bottle of pills in his hand. He took two at once and it seemed to calm him enough so he could pack his bag and walk out of the stadium.

 

Yurio was waiting for him at the parking lot. Yuuri walked right past him.

"Yuuri!" called Yurio.

Yuuri stopped.

"I'm sorry."

He looked back at him. He was looking at him liked a kicked puppy.

"I didn't do very well today. I just feel like... not myself lately..."

He bowed his head.

"You have to come home."

Yuuri shook his head.

"Your house isn't my home" he said.

Yurio's eyes glistened.

"You have all your stuff there and... You belong here. With... me and Victor and Nikola."

Yuuri sighed. He had a point. He had all his stuff over there. Crowded in Yurio's living room.

Yurio pointed towards his car. Yuuri remembered that day again, when Yuuri held Yurio in the backseat as Yurio fell into himself.

"Please, let's go in the car" said Yurio, "it's cold and I'll clean the house. I'll even cook pirozhki."

Yuuri let out a sigh as he trudged to Yurio's car. Yurio waited until Yuuri caught up to him before he headed to the car himself. Yuuri avoided his gaze as they climbed in and drove.

Yurio looked back at Yuuri every once in a while during the drive but Yuuri just closed his eyes and leaned back.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri couldn't sleep. And he didn't eat the pirozhki that Yurio made. He just couldn't stomach it. Yurio watched him like a beggar looking for scraps. But Yuuri wasn't even thinking about him. They both went to bed early. Both of them nervous and sick.

 

Yuuri couldn't stop thinking about Victor. Victor and Alexei as he lay in his bed that really wasn't his bed. He kept thinking about them in bed together. What was Victor like with him? Did Victor touch him like he did with Yuuri? How would they kiss? And on and on.

 

He felt coldness reach him again. It pooled at his stomach and it threatened to overwhelm. The feeling spread through his skin, making him cold-sweat. He sat up, he felt like vomiting but he couldn't vomit. It choked him and he felt his stomach and chest seize and release. He was really sweating now. The jagged coldness reached his head and he felt like he was drowning.

 

He reached for his pills, they were on the floor in his bag so he had to climb out of the bed on his hands and feet. When he found it his hands were clammy and he couldn't open the bottle. Frustrated, he threw it against the wall. The bottle popped and pills flew out. He gritted his teeth at them. He was so pathetic. So, so pathetic.

"This is useless" he wheezed. He couldn't breath.

 

He heard the sound of a door knob turning. He turned to see Yurio come out. When he saw Yuuri crouched on the floor shaking, he hurried to him. Yuuri felt his hand on his back. He felt warmth spread from them.

"Are you okay? Jesus..."

Yuuri coughed, he felt fire in his veins. Yurio must think so little of him now. Panicking in his living room about an ex who will never come back to him.

Yuuri pushed Yurio, Yurio fell on the floor.

"Get off of me" he hissed.

Yuuri began to put on warmer clothes and slapped the lamp on so he could see better. He looked for his passport.

"What are you doing?" said Yurio.

He didn't answer. He stuffed his clothes in his bag, he realized he had his passport in his bag pocket already.

"Are you going to go somewhere?" said Yurio.

He picked up his carrier, he had never really unpacked much of his stuff. He kept telling himself he was going to move out anyway. Not that he was actually house hunting.

"Yes, I'm going now. Thank you for your hospitality" he replied, his tone mocking.

Yurio stared.

Yuuri put on his scarf and coat. He wasn't panicking anymore. He was decisive now. Clear. He had a goal and he knew what he needed to do.

"Yuuri" murmured Yurio.

Yuuri walked to the front door. Yurio followed behind. Yuuri opened the door but Yurio pushed it shut again. Yurio was surrounding him.

"Don't go" he said. Yurio had his eyes shut, like he was expecting to be hit. His hands pushing the door shut.

"I can't stay here" said Yuuri shaking his head. He felt the panic try to grasp him again. Yurio wouldn't budge.

"I. Can't. Stay. Here!" Yuuri pushed Yurio off.

Yuuri opened the door.

"I have to go I'm sorry" he said.

He rushed, pulling hard at his carrier.

"Can't you stay for me?" said Yurio.

Yuuri looked back.

"What?"

"If you can't stay for Victor stay for me."

He looked Yuuri in the eye. Yurio had his eyes wide open. He looked at Yuuri with absolute terror.

"You can stay for me. With me. Because I want you."

Yuuri's stomach jumped. But he quickly found his calm. His carrier firm in his hand.

"I can't be here and be sad with you."

Yurio blinked.

"You never liked me. You've always hated me for taking Victor from you and you made yourself clear. Everyday. Now I am sick of forgiving you. And now you want me? You don't want me. You just want revenge or something."

Yuuri pulled his carrier towards him as he went out the door.

"I may be difficult. I may have lost Victor. But you? It's like you don't feel. You don't even care. That's why you're alone."

Yuuri turned his back on him.

"My God, you're impossible."

The door shut and the house was quiet.

 

 

Yuuri called a cab to the airport. He tried to calm his breathing because he was breathing really fast again. He gripped his shirt and tried not to fall on his face. He was going to leave this place, he was going to be fine. He was going to leave the ice and Victor and Yurio and this freezing hell hole of a country.

 

 

Only when he was in the airport did he realize what he had done. Only then did he start to feel.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

Yurio sat on the floor of his living room. His cat was at his side, rubbing against him but he could hardly feel it. He felt like he was back at the funeral again. When his grandfather had died...

He was arguing with Otabek because Otabek was comforting him.

And then he had ran out of the church. Because he had get away from him. Only to fall on the road. So he sat there. While cars whooshed by him. Cars honked at him and he could see lights glaring at the edge of his vision.

But he couldn't get up. No matter how terrible things would turn out. He knew that he could die if he didn't but he still couldn't get up.

And then Yuuri was screaming at him. And then screaming at Victor while he tried to lift him up. His panicked pleas in Yurio's ear.

They lifted him and put him on the side walk. He felt Yuuri's tears fall on his hair as he lay his head on Yuuri's lap.

And now Yuuri was gone. Because Yurio was impossible to love.

Yuuri didn't even believe that Yurio wanted him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri had to get another taxi out of the airport. His heart beat was thundering in his ear and he wondered how he was going to fix this. Everytime the cab stopped at a light he felt himself sweating.

It felt like the car was crawling its way to Yurio's house. He swore under his breath the whole trip.

 

When they arrived he rushed out, nearly forgetting his bags until the cab driver hollered at him. The driver was looking at him all weird while he grabbed at his carrier like a maniac. It took him three tried to grab the handle. He paid the driver and paused in front of the door.

 

He wondered if Yurio was sleeping. It was dark inside the house.

He pushed the numbers in and felt the door open.

It was silent in the house. He saw the pills on the floor, the messy living room with his boxes of stuff there.

The plate of pirozhki on the kitchen table.

 

"Yurio?" he called out.

He crept silently to his bedroom. The door was slightly open and he pushed inside.

Yurio was lying on the bed, he turned his head when Yuuri walked in and then looked away again. Yuuri put his bag on Yurio's desk.

Neither of them said anything. Yuuri could feel his heart beating in his chest.

"I'm sorry I left..." he said to Yurio's back.

Still no reaction. It was strange and a little creepy. He expected shouting, some hurtful remarks. Not this calm silence.

"I'm sorry I said that you're impossible. That's not true..." said Yuuri.

Yuuri walked slowly towards the bed and stopped when he was in front of it.

"And I know that you want me. I've known for some time but I didn't do anything about it because I needed you. I needed you to be strong for me. Because I'm not strong enough for myself."

Yurio turned to him. Yuuri felt hot tears sliding down his face.

"I'm in therapy." said Yuuri, he burst out laughing. It felt good to say it. To admit it. He couldn't see Yurio's reaction because his eyesight was blurry.

"I'm in therapy because I injured myself that night. And the last time too before I had to retire."

Yuuri felt himself laughing again.

"Yurio I'm so messed up."

Yurio was looking at him now.

"And I'm sorry I depended on you so much. I'm so sorry."

Yurio had his arm out to him. Yuuri reached down and Yurio pulled him into a hug.

Yurio squeezed him tight and Yuuri squeezed right back.

Yurio held him like he could put Yuuri back together with his hold. And Yuuri gave into it, the warmth chasing away the cold.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Yurio watched Nikola with Yuuri. The Juniors were up first and Nikola was a nervous wreck in practise but he whipped himself into shape under Yurio's sharp gaze. Yuuri realized that Nikola might be more afraid of Yurio more than the ice itself. It made him want to laugh whenever Nikola sneaked a frightful look at his roommate.

 

Yuuri thought if Yurio confessed his feelings it would be awkward between them. But it actually felt better now that all the cards were on the table. There had been a tension before, where Yurio had to hide his feelings and Yuuri would pretend not to know. But it was gone now. And it felt refreshing. As if some poison had been taken out.

 

When he looked at Yurio he knew now that their friendship, or whatever they had, would last. It would survive Yurio's infatuation and Yuuri's rejection and whatever problem they had. Because it was bigger and stronger, more important than such things.

Yurio held Yuuri's hand and grinned at him.

"I'm sure he'll be good. I told him if he didn't come first I would dump him in the river."

"What? What are you the mafia?"

Yurio sneered.

"That little shit needs some tough love. He's too sheltered."

Yuuri secretly agreed.

"Don't dump him in the river though. He's still a kid."

"You know who else I could dump in the river?"

"It's starting."

Nikola came onto the ice, his face terrified.

"That's good," said Yurio, "it mean he cares."

Yuuri groaned.

"Nikola!" yelled Yurio, Nikola turned to them.

"THE RIVER NIKOLA!"

Nikola gaped at him as Yurio made obscene hand gestures. Yuuri sniggered and Nikola also managed a smile.

 

 

Nikola came first. Yuuri and Yurio congratulated him. Nikola's parents were there too. They smothered him with flowers and love. They took turns taking pictures with Nikola, Yurio and Yuuri. Yurio had a bitter smile on his face as he watched them. And he turned to Yuuri.

"You'll be with me right? Whatever happens?" said Yurio.

Yuuri looked at him, puzzled.

"Sure."

"Whatever I do you'll forgive me."

Yuuri narrowed his eyes.

"Sure..."

Yurio nodded and grabbed his bag.

"Let's go, it's my turn now."

 

 

 

Yurio's wasn't himself when he skated. He was someone better. He was ferocious. He landed all his jumps, flying high and speeding faster than any other skater. He didn't even slow down before his jumps, making a clean finish when he spun and the ice crackled with electricity when he landed. The crowd went wild. Inflamed by Yurio's victory on the ice.

 

And in the changing room Yuuri waited beside Victor, Yakov and Lilia. Waiting for Yurio to be finished with the press. Yakov was beyond himself with excitement. Yakov and Victor chatted together excitedly, Lilia was smiling, her make up glowing. Yuuri stood behind them all, also extremely happy. His student was victorious and Yurio had become another level of legendary.

Yurio came in with a hard look on his face. He looked straight at Yuuri, even when he was embraced by Victor and Yakov. Even when Lilia gave him a kiss. Like his whole being was focused on Yuuri.

And then they all began to notice. Victor looked at them, nervous.

Yurio strode to Yuuri, grabbed his face and kissed him.

Yuuri closed his eyes in instinct and froze as he felt Yurio's lips on his.

He felt like giggling.

The world stood still. He could hear Yakov choking on his own spit.

Yurio pushed him back. His face glowing, the biggest grin he had ever seen on his face.

"How was that?" asked Yurio.

Yuuri sneaked a look at Victor's devastated face.

Yuuri smiled.

"You're amazing Yuri" he said, quite loudly.

"You're my hero."

 

 

 

Yuuri couldn't stop laughing. They were in the car park, they were trying to load all the gifts Yurio received.

"That's why you asked me if I would forgive you? Why did you do that?"

"You saw him kiss Alexei. Now it's his turn."

Yuuri laughed again but stopped when he remembered the other things Victor might have done.

"Thank you" he said.

Yurio just nodded.

 

 

* * *

 

 

"So in the end I didn't leave. I stayed. I stayed for Yurio" he said.

Nina nodded.

"Yurio who loves you."

Yuuri nodded.

"And you're saying now, you're staying for him. Are you sleeping with him?"

"No" said Yuuri, "he's just Yurio. He's like a brother to me."

"But you're staying for him. And it's over with Victor right?"

"Right."

"And Yurio said he loved you and you're back in his house. Isn't that a gesture that says I love you back?"

"Yeah, but love him in a... you know, like a family. He knows that."

"So it's over with Victor?"

"Yes. Of course!"

Yuuri slumped and put his head on his hand. Maybe he hadn't been clear enough? Why was Nina still asking about Victor?

"You said you had a panic attack. Because of Victor and Alexei. And it was so bad you left in the middle of the night, despite it being competition season." said Nina.

"And now that you're staying here, you're going to have to see them being together. Are you sure you can handle that?"

"Why are you saying this to me?" said Yuuri tears of frustration began forming. He felt his cheer fading away.

"Because if you're going to be with Yurio, it can't be because of Victor and Alexei. You have to be with Yurio because you want to be with Yurio. And you can't stay here for Yurio. Whatever it is you guys have. You have to stay here because you want to be here."

"Yurio was there for me. And now I will be here for him. It's simple as that. I'm over Victor. Really I am."

"Have you talked to him?"

"Huh?"

"To Victor. Have you talked to Victor?"

"No. I haven't. Why are you... Look I admitted that I injured myself isn't that something?"

"Yes it's an amazing thing. It was an extremely brave thing. But there are two people who need to hear it" said Nina. She held up two fingers.

"One is you. Which you have now done" she said, folding one down.

"And Victor" she said, pointing at Yuuri with the remaining finger.

"It's not over with Victor unless you tell him that."

Yuuri let out a growl.

"Fine," he said, "FINE!"

Yuuri stood up and went to the door.

"I'm going to tell him right now!"

He slammed the door shut behind him.

 

 

Yuuri rushed took a cab to the apartment. He pressed the numbers in and he heard the buzz of the door as he was let in.

He ran up the stairs, to the third floor where he lived with Victor.

The blue carpet and the corridor, it was all coming back to him now...

His heart was pounding in his ear and he was afraid that Alexei would be in the apartment, which made him feel sick.

He was at the door, but he couldn't knock. He listened with his ear pressed against the door but he couldn't hear anything.

Until the door opened and Victor was there, dressed in his coat and scarf. His blue eyes widening as he looked at Yuuri.

"Yuuri?" he said.

He still felt sick but was encouraged by the lack of Alexei.

He was trying to figure out what to say but he felt his throat close up and his eyes prickle with tears.

But he couldn't give in now.

And it was Victor. He could say anything to Victor.

"I hate you" said Yuuri, he felt the tears fall. He let it. It didn't matter.

"I hate you and I hate the ice. But I hate you the most."

His chest felt warm. It felt like slowly, it was coming unblocked.

Victor embraced him, and the tears came out even stronger because he could smell Victor now. And Victor was so warm. And his hand was on the back of his head and Yuuri had never felt so safe.

He could say anything. _Anything._ Why didn't he know that before?

"I did it. I messed up that jump because I wanted to stop. I wanted to stop being with you. I wanted to stop being your skater and your boyfriend. And I'm afraid of being your husband because I might get hurt again."

Yuuri could feel Victor's head on his shoulder. He felt the warmth of Victor's tears soaking through.

"That's why I can't marry you. Because I'll never be good enough. I'll never be enough. And I never want to feel like that again. Ever."

He could hear both of them crying. They were finally here.

"But I still want to be with you. And I hate it. I want to get out."

He heard heavy steps coming from the stairs.

"Victor!"

It was Alexei.

"Victor are you coming or what?" he yelled.

"Yeah I'm coming, wait a sec!" Victor yelled back. 

Yuuri stepped away from him, pushing Victor away.

Victor looked broken.

They looked at each other. Silent.

Yuuri stepped away leaning against the wall of the corridor.

Victor walked towards him.

"Can we talk? Can we go somewhere?" said Victor.

Yuuri shook his head.

"Not now. I can't... Not today."

Victor nodded.

Yuuri closed his eyes as Victor left.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So next will be the last!  
> I am extremely sorry for the late update, I have absolutely no excuses lol.  
> I'm sorry for making you suffer I will try my hardest to write some good smut in the last chapter so forgive me!


	5. Land

Alexei bloomed under Victor's undivided attention. At some point Victor no longer considered Yurio as his student. For Yurio it was predictable. Victor had never been able to be remotely professional ever since Yuuri entered his skating life. In the end they agreed Victor would no longer be Yurio's coach. It was a silent agreement between them that Yakov and Lilia violently opposed.

"Vitya, stop being a child" said Lilia.

They were at the rink, practising for their next Grand prix event.

"I think this would be more efficient. Yurio simply doesn't need me and Alexei has always appreciated my coaching a lot more."

Yurio sniggered.

"Vitya. This is ridiculous. You have a duty-"

"As if Victor ever cared about his duties" sneered Yurio.

Yurio crossed his arms.

"He's just pissed about me and Yuuri. Like a hypocrite because it's the same thing he's doing with Alexei."

"What do you mean you and Yuuri? He's not in love with you, didn't I tell you to stop pining?"

Yurio ignored him.

"I don't want Victor to be my coach if it means I have to date him."

Victor smiled.

"And I don't want to coach a fading skater with major injuries."

"What did you just say?"

"Hey! Hey! Stop." said Lilia.

"You two will put aside your personal issues and-" Yakov roared.

"No. They won't. And we can't win this fight." said Lilia to Yakov.

"We can't fight like adults and win against _children_ " hissed Lilia.

And they left it at that.

 

It was three o'clock in the morning when Yuuri was woken up by a knock on the door. He sat up on the bed, wondering if he should wake Yurio when he saw a hint of silver hair by the window.

 

He put on his glasses and opened the door. Victor was there, in his black coat and a dark expression on his face.

"I thought we were going to talk why didn't you ever call me?" he said.

"I..." said Yuuri, groggy. "I'm sorry I guess I'm just not ready."

Victor snorted, "Right, you're not ready. You weren't ready to marry me after five years so I guess this is to be expected."

Yuuri didn't know what to say, he was hurt but he had just woken up.

"Just so you know, I hate you too" said Victor.

"What?"

"You hurt me too. You might not realize that because I hid it. But you hurt me. You hurt me a lot."

"So is that why you kissed him? To hurt me back?"

Victor glared.

"Just because I didn't injure myself, doesn't mean I was fine. I wasn't fine. And you always ran when I needed you."

"You're blaming _me_ for all this?"

Victor paused.

"I wanted to build a life with you. I wanted to build a life with you and you rejected me! I didn't know what to do!"

"WE ALREADY HAD A LIFE!" Yuuri could feel the tears coming so he slammed the door.

There was no way he was going to cry in front of Victor. He wasn't going to give Victor anything anymore.

He waited at the door till he heard Victor shuffle away. And only then did he allow himself to break down.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"You're going to make it to the grand prix final" said Yuuri.

Nikola nodded, his lips set in a firm line.

"I can feel it" said Yuuri, "I know it."

Nikola nodded again, his chin up a little higher.

They were in the cup of China for their grand prix event. As long as Nikola was able to get within the first three, he was certain to make it as a finalist.

Yuuri watched as Nikola glided away on the ice as they made the announcement.

It was ironic how he was in the same place again, after all those times he spent here in pain and disappointment.

But as a coach, as Nikola's coach it felt like he was making new history. One that wasn't filled with the blood of his broken heart.

Nikola landed his first jump, which was a double lutz. Yuuri had a good feeling about this one.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Yurio had a bad feeling. He was nervous because he had felt his limits closing in on him again.

He was better than Otabek. Better than anyone in fact. Certainly better than Alexei that snivelling fanboy of Victor.

He could do this, he was a soldier on the ice.

 

Yurio felt the tilt in his triple axel, that's how bad his turn was. And it got worse from there. He felt like he was frozen stiff. Like he wasn't supposed to be here, on this ice. Like he had somehow lost his authority over it. It was because of Otabek, who went before him. And skating over the same ice felt like he was touching something he shouldn't touch.

 

Even if he was feeling out of touch he didn't fall. Even on his bad day he was still Yuri Piletsky. Lilia hugged him when he stepped off the rink and he had to stop himself from punching Alexei before he got on the ice that he had just been on. It felt like Alexei was butting into everything. Making his mark on things that wasn't his.

 

He had learnt to accept a long time ago that Yuuri belonged to Victor. And Victor belonged to Yuuri. It was going to take a lot longer to accept Alexei into that equation.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

It turns out Yuuri wasn't the only one making new history as coach. Alexei had beaten Yurio in the cup of China and was now one of the finalists. There was a picture of Victor hugging Alexei on the front page news in Russia. There were rumours of them dating, which were rousing a lot of commentary.

"Victor and Alexei the new power couple?" The title read.

Yuuri gritted his teeth as he read a few more on his phone and the computer near his hotel room. He couldn't escape it. He was surrounded by it. Even if he was off the ice, his history was going to keep biting him in the ass.

How was he going to separate himself from Victor? How was he going to live?

Yuuri stood up, his body was shaking because he was so angry.

He was going to see Victor. He was ready for it now.

"The party is so on right now! Come quick! Star coach!" read Mila's text.

He sighed, he had forgotten about the party. Yuuri gritted his teeth and headed for the bar.

 

 

"You did good by him" said Yakov, shaking Yuuri's hand. It was a shame Nikola wasn't here, a lot of people were talking about how amazing his progress had been. Yuuri had also never expected Nikola to win gold.

Yuuri tried to forget his Victor related woes with alcohol, and others were helping him by buying him drinks to congratulate him.

 

When he was reasonably hazy, he stumbled over to Yurio who was pointedly glaring at Otabek, who was talking to a bunch of girls.

Yuuri put his arm around him.

"So I heard you were defeated." said Yuuri.

"I know. And so are you. We're all defeated. Alexei is the winner." said Yurio.

"Well..." said Yuuri, "I won't let it."

Yurio snorted.

"What do you mean?"

Yuuri zeroed on on Alexei who was standing in a circle with his friends and Victor. So Victor was meeting his friends too huh?

"I'm going to do something!" said drunk Yuuri.

He pushed people out of the way as he stumbled across the room. People were looking at him and they started to chatter as he stood in front of Alexei.

"You" said Yuuri, pointing a shaking finger at him.

"You are a piece of fucking work you know that?" he slurred.

"Yuuri, come one" said Alexei, "don't be like this."

"You think you can ruin us?"

Wait... us? Yuuri felt even angrier. Yes, that is what Alexei was ruining-the legacy he built with Victor.

Alexei avoided his gaze, exchanging looks with his friends. It infuriated him even more.

"You think sleeping with my ex is going to make you into something?" he spat.

There was a deafening silence.

"Do you know what I had to go through? Do you know what it took for me to-"

Someone was hugging him around the middle, pulling him away. It was Yurio.

"Let's go idiot pig" he said, "we should go."

"Yes" said Alexei, "Leave. Stop embarrasing yourself."

That's when Yuuri lost it.

He heard a thump and people getting noisy. Otabek was suddenly in front of him, restraining him.

"No!" said Yuuri, "you don't understand he slept with Victor I need to kill him-"

"No, I think we all understand that quite well." said Otabek.

 

They dragged him out of the bar and carried him into his room. Otabek and Yurio worked silently as Yuuri put up a half hearted struggle against being carried.

They passed the elevator and managed to deposit Yuuri into his bed.

Yurio tucked the sheets around him and that's when Yuuri grabbed Yurio by the collar.

"You are going to win. Do you know why?"

Yurio looked at him with wide eyes.

"Why?"

"Because you are a soldier on the ice. You win or you die!"

Yuuri let go. He looked like he was knocked out but after a second he opened his eyes again.

"Beks, didn't you say he was a soldier on the ice? Cos I think understand that now" he slurred.

"You need to go to sleep" said Otabek.

He turned to leave.

"Yurio loves you!" said Yuuri suddenly.

Yurio slapped a hand over Yuuri's mouth.

"Leave" hissed Yurio.

Otabek closed the door behind him.

A minute after the door closed, there was a knock.

Yurio sighed and went to the door.

"Did you leave something?" said Yurio, opening the door.

It was Victor.

"I need to talk to Yuuri."

"No need." said Yurio shoving the door in his face. Victor pushed back.

"Just give us a minute."

"I'm not leaving this room."

"Do whatever you want" said Victor.

"I will!" growled Yurio. He sat on the bed with his arms crossed.

 

Victor sat on the bed.

"Why are you here?" slurred Yuuri.

"I didn't sleep with Alex. I don't know what Alex told you but he lied." said Victor.

"So what?" said Yuuri, "You're still an asshole."

"And I lied too, because I don't hate you. Even if you hate me. Even if you hate the ice because of me."

Victor lied next to him and turned Yuuri's head towards him. Their faces inches apart. Victor looked like he was about to cry.

"I love you and I love the ice because that's...us. That's where we made our lives. And I know it was terrible for you and I hate that. I hate that what we had-had to hurt you. But even if you leave me, the ice will always be about you for me. I can't separate myself from you. You made a different person out of me. So now I'm in this irrevocably, whether you love me or not."

Yuuri closed his eyes. He didn't want to cry and he didn't want to look at Victor. He was drunk and now he was going to sleep.

"And I'm sorry Yurio."

"What?" said Yurio.

Victor sat up.

"I'm saying I'm sorry. It was my bad." he said.

And then he left.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Yuuri woke up to a pounding headache. Yurio was sleeping next to him, still in his suit.

Which reminded him of the party.

Memories crashed into him, hitting him like a punch.

He shook Yurio until he opened his eyes.

"Yurio" said Yuuri.

Yurio yawned and looked at him.

"I'm glad you exist" said Yurio, "you make me look like the better Yuri."

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The Grand Prix Finale was held in Canada. JJ was waiting in the hotel lobby, grinning and waving at him when he saw Yurio.

"You're still here shit head?" greeted Yurio.

"I heard Alexei did a number on you" said JJ running up to him.

"Did you hear that Yuuri did a number on Alexei?" said Yurio.

"What?" said JJ.

Yurio grinned. "Yuuri and I are kind of a team now."

"You guys are going out now?"

"No. We're a team. Against Victor and Alex."

"So they're really going out?" said JJ.

"What?" said Yurio.

"It's all over the internet. Alexei and Victor, there are rumours-"

"Stop talking" said Yurio, his face stiff with anger.

They went together for practise. And in the decorated rink, Yurio couldn't take his eyes off of Alexei. Who flinched whenever they matched eyes.

He was going to win. Even if it killed him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Nikola was shaking like a newborn lamb during practise. Some Canadian skater, who looked disturbingly a lot like JJ swept past him with a very condescending grin on his face, which made Nikola flail at his jumps.

He had to pump all kinds of encouragements to him before the short program. He talked to Nikola so much his mouth ran dry. Yuuri counselled Nikola through his panic. And in his short program Nikola was able to put himself in first place.

 

Which made Nikola even more nervous. And they were back to square one.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Yurio doesn't know what went wrong. Or was it that nothing went wrong and that was the problem. Because he was still behind Alexei in his short program.

"It's the free that counts" said Lilia, "don't freak out."

He never liked to lose. Ever since he was young he had always been very competitive but right now more was at stake. He wanted to win, not just for himself, but for Yuuri too.

For a long time, his skating had involved Yuuri. Even when he wasn't competing, he was always there.

"Yurio" said Yuuri. He was at standing there, at the changing room entrance. Yurio felt tears fall down. He viciously wiped them off.

Yuuri came over to him and held his hand.

"I'm sorry" said Yurio, shrugging. Yuuri put his arm over his shoulder.

"You haven't lost yet, don't apologize."

Yuuri grabbed his face.

"I'm counting on you okay? To bring back our dignity" Yuuri smiled, "and I know you'll win because you transcend on the ice."

Yuuri let him go, Yurio stared at him.

"You're a born skater Yurio and that is something I can always count on."

 

 

Yuuri was on his way to the toilet. He was going to go back to the hotel when Phichit, who had also made it to the finale, insisted they go out to eat. It was dark because it was nearly closing time and there was little lighting and now he couldn't see. And it was then that he felt someone shove him against the wall. Their hand was on his collar, it felt like he was being strangled. Yuuri's glasses became askew and his vision became blurry.

He thought for a moment of Alexei but he realized that the man had dark hair.

"What's going on between you and Yuri?" said Otabek.

Yuuri choked in reply.

"I saw you in the changing room. What's going on? Why does he look at you like-"

There was another lumpy blur who crashed into Otabek and Otabek let go.

The black blur fixed his glasses, it was Victor.

"Victor?" he said.

Victor straightened his coat and smiled at him. He turned to Otabek and put on a serious face.

"You want to take this outside?" he said.

Otabek blinked. It was hard to tell if Victor was serious or just fooling around. Victor had an unpredictable quality to him that was present whether or not he was on the ice.

"Victor" said Yuuri, "you're thirty two."

"But I can take him. I'm bigger."

"I meant that you're thirty two, you're supposed to have boundaries."

Otabek stared at them.

"Also you can't take Otabek. He drives a motorcycle."

Victor smiled, Yuuri turned to Otabek.

"Go away Otabek" said Yuuri, "I'm not talking to you."

Otabek walked away.

They fell into laughter.

"Did you just challenge him to a fight?" said Yuuri.

"Boundaries? That's big talk for someone who punches people." said Victor.

"Well I was drunk and you kissed that guy in front of me."

"With that logic, can I punch Yurio?"

Yuuri snorted, Victor shrugged.

"Yuuri what are you doing? Let's go already, I don't want to be locked into this place." said Phichit, running towards him.

"Hello Phichit!" said Victor.

"Hello cheater!" greeted Phichit.

Victor's smile vanished.

Phichit gave him a sweet smile as he pulled at Yuuri towards the exits.

 

* * *

 

 

 

Nikola won silver in total with their free program. He was extremely disappointed. It felt like he had been downgraded. He was so nervous and even with Yurio's helpful (vicious) encouragements, he fell. He fell a lot.

Yuuri smiled at him as he cried sitting on their bench in the changing room. Nikola's parents had failed to console him. Even with their assurance that they were proud of him. Afterall, his son had earned solid prize money. But Nikola had expected more for himself and Yuuri knew that the disappointment that comes from within could not be consoled by anyone.

"You know I think silver is best. It's too much pressure when you win Gold. I was never the same after the olympics."

"At least you won" muttered Nikola.

Yuuri took out his olympic gold medal from his bag. Nikola stared at it. He put it on Nikola and his silver medal and his past gold hung around Nikola's chest.

Yuuri pushed Nikola towards the mirrors and they both stared at their reflections.

"Would you like me to take your picture?" said a volunteer next to them.

Yuuri nodded and the volunteer took the picture of them, Nikola with his tear stained face. Nikola's new silver medal pressing against Yuuri's past gold on his chest.

"I'm going to win at the olympics. Then we're going to take this picture again."

said Nikola.

Yuuri nodded.

 

 

Yuuri went over to Yurio with Phichit the moment he was done with Nikola. It was Phichit's idea.

"Otabek rides a motorcycle and wears leather" said Phichit, "and you know what that means."

"Not really" said Yuuri.

"Well, I do. It means if you go out with Yurio he will cut your face" said Phichit, grinning,

"Haha" said Yuuri, speed walking towards the senior changing room.

Yurio was sitting on the bench in the changing room next to JJ when Yuuri interrupted him.

"Yuri, you have to talk to Beka"

"What?"

"Yesterday, he saw me with you and he cornered me near the toilets!"

"He cornered you? What did he say?"

"He said" Yuuri grabbed Yurio by the collar, "what's going on with you and Yuri?! He was about to hit me!"

Yurio snorted.

"Well, you punch people. You deserve it." said Yurio, "Whaddya say back?"

"Nothing Victor-nothing, I told him to go away."

"So why do I have to do anything?"

"Um," said Phichit interrupting, "if you don't, Otabek will keep thinking you and Yuuri have something going on and-"

"Yurio!" said Yuuri, "talk to your ex boyfriend before he runs me over with his motorcycle!"

JJ sniggered.

"If you're so worried, _you_ talk to him. Why do I have to talk to him?" said Yurio.

"Because he's your problem!"

"Well, why don't you talk to Victor? What's the point of being in therapy if you can't deal with your own fricking problems?"

"Dude, you're in therapy?" said JJ.

"Why are you here?" Yuuri snapped.

"Yuri?"

It was Otabek. Yuuri stood up immediately.

"Hey Beks! Yurio was just talking about you" said Yuuri, voice squeaky.

"What? What the-" said Yurio

Yuuri and Phichit grabbed JJ on their way out.

 

* * *

 

 

Otabek stood over him, all lanky. It reminded Yurio of the times when he was shorter than him.

"You wanted to talk to me?" said Yurio.

"Are you with Yuuri now? Cos I know you had a thing for him-"

"No I'm not. What are you a reporter? Are we done with the gossip?"

"Don't talk to me that way!"

"Well I'm sorry sir but I talk however I like" said Yurio.

A couple of volunteers looked their way.

"Let's go somewhere more private" said Otabek.

Yurio was about to say no but honestly, he was also on the verge of explosion.

 

They ended up at the stairway, behind the fire escape.

"Look I'm not doing anything with that pig-"

"-Why are you so angry at me?" said Otabek.

Yurio crossed his arms and tapped his foot.

"Is it because of the funeral? Is it because you're still grieving? Because I don't understand-"

"-You gave up on me first" said Yurio.

"What? When?"

"In the funeral. You weren't there. You just abandoned me."

Otabek opened his mouth but nothing came out.

"I was trying to be there for you. You rejected me. Not the other way around." said Otabek, finally.

"So what? You still should have been there. On that fricking road. Not just stare at me like I'm some crazy person while Victor and his pig stuff me into my car."

Otabek pressed his lips together, looking even more grim than usual.

"I was staring because I didn't know what to do. You never react the way I expect you to. I never know what you want. It's like a minefield with you."

"Well aren't you glad you're out of that mess."

Otabek grasped his head in frustration.

"Holy shit Yuri! That's unfair. You're never fair to me. It's like whatever I do is unforgivable. But you expect me to forgive you. All the time."

"So what you hate me? You want me to grovel for forgiveness or something?"

"No I just want you to stop being so angry! For god's sakes I'm not your personal punching bag!"

Yurio let out a harsh breath. And another one, and another. Until he was doubled over on the floor. Otabek sat down next to him, his hand on his back.

"I'm sorry" said Yurio, his tears dropping onto the floor. He coughed as more tears fell.

Otabek stroked his back.

"I'm sorry too."

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Alexei had won silver. Alexei held on strong in the interview. But Victor knew that Alexei had wanted to overthrow Yurio. Make a new world order. And even Victor almost believed that he could. Because Alexei was so strong.

 

Thankfully Yuuri didn't kiss Yurio in their moment of euphoria. It was something that Victor had been worried about. But still, Yurio had been viciously smug about it. There was a huge difference in their scores and Yurio kept taking pictures of his gold medal and had asked Alexei to be in the picture with him and Otabek- who had won bronze. Alexei grimly obliged. Yurio put his arm over Alex, encouraging him to "smile harder." Only to crop him out when he posted the picture on instagram.

 

He was leaving the rink with everyone when another reporter jumped out at them out of nowhere.

"One more question please, one more?" asked the reporter. She looked chirpy, her ponytail swinging.

Victor nodded, he had always liked cheerful people.

"Are you two dating?" she said, pointing at him and Alex.

"No questions about their private lives please" said Yakov.

"No we're not" said Victor.

"Oh" said the reporter.

Alexei looked at him, Victor pushed Alexei forward.

"Thank you for your reply" she said.

Victor nodded.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"Why would you do that?" said Alexei. They were in the hotel elevator. With Yakov and Lilia still with them.

"What do you mean?"

"Why would you confirm something like that? Why would you tell the media anything? I thought even _we_ haven't decided yet. About us."

The elevator dinged and he took Alexei with him to his floor and towards Alex's room. Yakov and Lilia stared after them.

"We'll see you at the banquet" said Lilia. Victor nodded at them.

Alexei held himself in until they were inside.

 

“Why did you say we weren't dating? How are you going to own up to it later?"

Victor sighed and sat down on the bed. He stared at the ground, his eyebrows knitted together in worry.

"Unless..." said Alexei, "unless you were never going to own up to anything in the first place."

They shared a look. Alexei's eyes shook as he continued to stare.

"Oh my god..." said Alexei, sitting down at a chair across from Victor.

"You were never going to... from the beginning you were never serious about this."

Alexei put slumped forward, his hands on his head. Victor could hear his harsh breathing.

"I always knew, I always knew you still..." he muttered.

And then Alexei looked up.

"Why did you do it?"

Victor just stared at him.

"You had feelings for me" said Victor, looking up at him, "and-"

"-I'm not asking why you chose me" said Alexei, his eyes watery, "I'm asking why you did this!"

Alexei cleared his throat. Victor blinked.

"It's because of your ex, right?"

Victor didn't say anything.

Alexei let out an ugly laugh.

"So you used me. You used me to what? Get back at your him? Make him feel jealous?"

Victor stared down at the floor.

"I came to St Petersburgh because of you. You were my dream. Did you know that?"

"I'm sorry" said Victor.

Alexei stood up and took his bag and his room card.

"You are not who I thought you were, you're a piece of shit."

Alexei opened the door.

"And you will pay for this."

 

 

Yuuri knocked on Phichit's room. He had a grey suit on for the banquet. Nikola was already there with his parents.

Phichit came out, his suit sleek and black. He was looking at his phone. His face scrunched up in a frown.

"Did you see this Yuuri? Alexei's twitter."

"Phichit you really need to limit your time on the internet."

Phichit sighed, "no seriously, read this."

Yuuri looked at the screen Phichit was holding out and then he ran.

"Yuuri?" said Phichit and then followed him.

 

Yuuri ran to Yakov's room. He knocked on the door and Lilia opened it. She looked stricken and behind her Alexei was there talking to a very red faced Yakov.

"Oh good. _You're_ here" said Yakov.

Alexei stared at him.

"What do you mean you're going to expose him? What are you trying to do?" said Yuuri.

Alexei glared.

"Look, is this about me punching you? Because-"

"It's not about you" said Lilia.

"I'm going to sue Victor" said Alex, "for sexual harrassment."

"What?" said Yuuri and Phichit.

"Why are you suing Victor?" asked Yuuri.

"Because he used me!" yelled Alexei.

"Victor just confirmed that he wasn't in a relationship with Alexei to the press" said Lilia.

"What?"

"Yeah that happened" said Phichit, looking at his phone.

"So what? That doesn't mean anything" said Yuuri.

"He isn't getting away with this." said Alexei, "He even compromised Yuri Piletsky's training because of him" said Alexei, pointing at Yuuri.

"Like you ever cared about Yuri and his training!" said Yuuri.

"What?" said Alexei.

"You just wanted Victor all to yourself, you don't care about anyone else" said Yuuri.

There was a heavy silence.

"Do you want me to sue you too?" spat Alex.

"You threatened me to show me pictures of you and Victor having sex!" yelled Yuuri.

Yakov covered his eyes and forehead.

"I should sue _you!_ _"_

"NO ONE IS SUING ANYONE" said Lilia.

"Oh I get it" said Phichit turning to Alex, "he broke up with you."

Alexei gritted his teeth.

"Can you go outside Phichit?" said Yakov.

"No, but I-!" said Phichit.

Yakov's face turned a dangerous shade of red.

"I'll be right out" said Phichit.

Lilia closed the door.

"Victor used me to get back at his ex" said Alexei, his eyes red, "he needs to be punished."

"Yes" said Yakov, "he does but-"

"But what?" said Alexei, "all you do is cover up for him. You act like he's your child. Well he's not. He's supposed to be professional. _You're_ supposed to be professional.""Victor may have his weak moments" said Yakov, giving Yuuri a glare, "but he's not a predator. Whatever was going on between you two was a personal thing. We didn't intervene because we didn't feel like we had the right to intervene."

"What are you trying to say? That I have no right to sue him? That I deserve to be treated like this? He took advantage of me! I was his student!"

"Oh dear god" whispered Lilia. Yuuri felt like his brain had short circuited. His mouth was open but he couldn't form words.

"You are both adults who had a consensual, personal relationship. Victor has more at stake here. He has a reputation to uphold," said Yakov.

"Then he really should have been more careful shouldn't he?" said Alexei, turning away.

"Wait Alex!" said Yakov.

Alexei stormed out the door. Yuuri heard Phichit give a shout when the door was opened. He probably had his ear stuck to the door.

"Alex!" called Yuuri.

Alexei started to run. Yuuri ran also.

"Yuuri stop" called Lilia, also running "you have done quite enough!"

"Yes!" said Yakov, "I AGREE!"

 

"Alex!" Yuuri jumped and gripped Alexei by the hips, like a lion catching a zebra. They both went down and ended up tangled on the floor.

Alexei turned and glared at him. Yuuri crowded around him. His eyes wide, his suit askew and his hair flailing behind him.

He heard Phichit, Yakov and Lilia catch up to them.

"Alex please" said Yuuri, "I don't know exactly what he did but-"

"Why are you defending him?"

"I'm not defending him. I'm saying he's not worth it. If you try to sue Victor, you and I are going to suffer through this just as much. It's like the break up will never end. Like this whole thing is going to leave a mark in all our lives. You want our lives to be bared in front of everyone?"

Alexei bit his bottom lip.

"Please Alex!"

Alexei pushed him off and stood up. So did Yuuri.

"If you're angry about something just punch me. I should have never gotten drunk and punched you. You should punch me back."

"Jesus christ Yuuri don't-" said Phichit.

"-For god's sakes Alex just punch me!"

There was a slap of skin and Phichit let out a very girly shriek that was unexpected from a twenty five year old man.

Yuuri held his face. Alexei blinked and wiped his face. He looked shell shocked.

"I'm sorry" said Alexei.

"It's shokay" slurred Yuuri.

Lilia held put her hand on Alexei shoulder.

"We are going to talk about this" said Lilia, stirring him away. Yakov came forward and Lilia shot him a glare.

" _Alone._ "

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Phichit dabbed ointment on his cheek where there was a little tear.

They were both in Yuuri's room. Sitting on his bed.

"Wow he really did hate you huh?" Phichit commented.

Yuuri sighed, "can you just not say anything?"

"Hmm" said Phichit.

"You must think this is really pathetic" said Yuuri.

"I'm thinking Alexei should make a speech at your wedding" said Phichit.

"Why? Are you marrying me?" said Yuuri.

There was a knock on the door.

Phichit and Yuuri shared a look.

"You want me to get that?" said Phichit.

Yuuri narrowed his eyes at him.

There was another knock.

"Who is it?" called Yuuri.

"It's me" said Victor.

Phichit ran to the door and opened it. Yuuri gaped at him.

"I'm going to the banquet" said Phichit suddenly. And ran out the door.

"Phichit-"

Victor came inside and leaned against the door to shut it.

 

"Well, come in" said Yuuri.

"I heard you got punched because of me" said Victor. He was in his grey-blue suit and wore it with a green tie. Yuuri remembered that tie, he had bought it in a department store with their groceries because he had eaten all the food in the fridge one night and he felt bad.

"You mean I took care of your mess" gritted Yuuri.

Victor sat on the bed next to him.

"He was going to _sue_ you and even if you deserve it, I didn't want that to happen. He was going to shame us both" he said.

"I heard" said Victor.

"Why did you do it?" said Yuuri. "Why did you have to do this? I am SO ANGRY I can't believe this is happening."

"I'm sorry" said Victor.

"I never thought you could do something like this to me" said Yuuri, a lump forming in his throat, "you ruined us."

Yuuri started to cry and Victor embraced him. Which made him cry even harder.

Victor pushed him back and looked at his face. Yuuri's eyes were glazed over, his face glistening with tears.

Victor kissed him, Yuuri immediately pushed him away but Victor pulled at him, holding him tightly around his hips.

Victor buried his head into his neck and he could feel his mouth on him.

"No" said Yuuri.

They collapsed onto the bed and Victor raised himself up on his elbows.

"Tell me to stop" he said. Yuuri's mouth opened but no voice came out.

"Tell me stop right now" he repeated .

Yuuri blinked.

"I don't know..." he said, "I don't want you to stop."

Victor took off his glasses and kissed him. And it felt warm, it felt like coming home. He felt his tongue sliding over his and he could feel himself giving up.

Victor's hand pulled at his pants and briefs and he could feel his bare skin rubbing against Victor's clothes.

Victor started to take off his clothes as Yuuri unbuttoned his shirt and took himself out of it.

 

When Victor kissed him again he could feel his bare erection touch his thigh. Yuuri ran his hand over Victor's hip and down to his cock. Victor gasped and pushed into his hand. Yuuri pushed at Victor so they were sitting up and then put his mouth over Victor's cock.

They didn't have lube in the room so he tried hard to coat it with saliva. Coughing as he slightly gagged on it. Victor had his hand on his head, his breathing harsh.

Yuuri was too scared to do these kinds of things at first. Because the first time they attempted penetrative sex on Yuuri they never got anywhere. He kept freaking out over the strange, painful feeling.

It always hurt during the initial penetration and Yuuri had always been the cautious type.

Yuuri licked the slit and Victor pushed his head away. He lay Yuuri down on the bed and spread his legs open and pushed them up so his hole was exposed.

Yuuri tensed as Victor pushed a finger inside.

"It's okay" said Victor, and he swallowed Yuuri's cock.

Yuuri gasped and tried to ignore the sharpening pain of another finger going in, trying instead to feel Victor's mouth.

He gave a choked cry as Victor took them out, his fingers and his mouth off his cock and pushed his own cock inside. Yuuri cringed as he felt the head slide in.

"Aah..."

It hurt and he hissed as Victor pushed forward and more of it was inside him. He felt himself be stretched and give in to the hard length. Victor held Yuuri by his thighs and pulled him closer. Yuuri cried out and arched his back, choking on his own tongue.

And as he did, he felt a rush of overwhelming pleasure. Victor pushed all the way in and leaned over and kissed him as he thrust in and out, pinning him down with his weight.

Yuuri put his arms around his neck and closed his eyes as he felt Victor's tongue slide in and out of his mouth.

Yuuri felt himself come first, then Victor was breathing harshly into his neck as he gave messy, shallow thrusts until Yuuri could feel the hot sting of his cum inside him.

 

Yuuri breathed hard with Victor, trying to catch his breath. Victor had his mouth to his neck, his cock still inside him. They stayed like that for a while till it began to get uncomfortable. And even when Victor took himself out it felt like something was still there.

And they lay side by side.

 

"Did you want to kill yourself?" asked Victor.

"What?" said Yuuri, disoriented.

"When you fell that time... did you want to die?" he said.

"No" said Yuuri, "I just stopped caring about what would happen. I wasn't intending to fall... Not really... I wasn't really thinking about dying..."

There was pause. Yuuri pulled a sheet over them.

"Was it because I kissed Alexei?" said Victor.

"No... it's... it's not your fault. I was like this before you." said Yuuri.

Victor let out a breath.

"I knew there was something wrong. With the first time you fell... I wasn't exactly sure but I had a feeling..." said Victor, "It was getting too much... the attention... the expectation... Whatever the result, people were always comparing, always expecting... I was expecting..."

Yuuri felt his heart constrict.

"And I wanted to be the perfect person for you. The one worth fighting for. I thought... that would make things easier because then maybe you'd think it was worth it."

Victor swallowed.

"I love you. And you were leaving me. And I just panicked. I don't want you to leave me" he said, "Tell me what to do... Tell me what to do so you won't leave me..."

Yuuri reached over and kissed him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"I think I might retire after next season" said Yurio, "Go to college, maybe study something."

Yurio picked up his water over the rink and drank it down. Yuuri raised his eyebrows.

"Wow studying" he said.

Yurio narrowed his eyes.

"Wow?... Studying?"

"I'm just surprised that's all" said Yuuri, he put a hand on Yurio's shoulder.

"I know you can be very studious Yuri" said Yuuri, his tone robotic.

"Forget it" growled Yurio, gliding away.

Victor was over the other side, looking at him. With a pitiful expression that resembled a puppy who had been banned from chewing on the couch.

Alexei glided past them.

"Hey Yuuri" he said.

Yuuri nodded.

Alexei threw a stinging glare in Victor's direction. Victor bowed his head and edged further away.

 

It had been a month after the GPF and things were almost back to normal.

 

Yuuri moved out of Yurio's living room a few weeks ago. And he now had his own place. His therapy was going well and Victor hung around his house a lot. They were back together-unofficially. Victor didn't dare come near him in front of Alexei.

 

Alexei decided not to sue Victor and erased his post on twitter. It still caused some scandal however, people questioning who was the "he" that Alexei was going to expose. But mostly people believed that it had just been some drunken rambling.

 

After a year, Yuuri moved in with Victor and they got their own new place. After another year Yuuri proposed to Victor.

Victor said yes.

 

Yurio was constantly on and off with Otabek. And skating. His injuries got worse. Yurio would announce his retirement, but then he would get better and then start competing again.

Yuuri didn't understand why Yurio couldn't quit. Even though he was slowly and painfully losing his rank.

But he had always known that Yurio's pain ran deeper than his. Yuuri helped him when he could.

 

Both Alexei and Yurio came to their wedding. Phichit and Chris made the first speeches. Chris's speech was unexpectedly touching and it made Victor cry. And it made Yakov cry, which made everyone uncomfortable.

Mila got drunk and stood up to give her speech. She revealed some painfully embarrassing stories. It was unclear which Yuri she was referring to a lot of the time so Yuuri was unfairly accused of a lot of things that he would never be able to completely clarify.

 

Phichit took videos. It spread on the internet.

 

And little by little Yuuri and Yurio learned to accept that they were deserving of love.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost died writing this lol. My butt is killing meeeee. This is the longest thing I have ever written in my life~~~!!!  
> I did not expect it to be this looong!!! Especially the last chapter. Man that was some labour!  
> And I couldn't have done it without u guys motivating me! Thank u for all your kudos and comments!!!  
> I love all the comments and cherish them. Although sometimes I don't know what reply to give.  
> Anyways I hope the ending was able to satisfy all of you (lol).  
> I love this fic! I hope you love it just as much as me!


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